Mar 16, 2012

Top 5 Worst Pickup Lines

After some convincing a while back, I joined an online dating site. I figured - why the heck not. I don't have a lot of time to date conventionally, and at the time, didn't really have any prospects. I wasn't looking for love, just for a few good times with some new people.

Well, my online dating experience was....odd to say the least. It started out fairly normal - I got a lot of messages, a lot of interest, a lot of very nice people contacted me. But, I also got a slew of just yuckiness in my inbox. I very quickly lost interest after that. Well, I've gotten a few new ones lately. So, it reminded me that even though I was able to chat with some nice people, it wasn't all fun and games. I have created a top 5 list of the worst pickup lines that were messaged to me. I should note - these are the ones that are appropriate to post on the internet. There several that I am NOT going to share. Too raunchy and I deleted those right away. But the rest of these gems are straight copy and pasted from my dating site inbox (an account that I am going to shut down today). Perhaps not the average representation. Just the ones that really left me scratching my head a bit.

5. how r u? u got some sexy ass eyes. we shld grab some cofee. or I could grab yo ass. message me if you into it. Wow. Really? I hate to start out with this, but I do judge people a wee bit on their ability to converse in an online environment including basic sentence structure, grammar, and spelling. Aside from the obvious suggested assault on my posterior, I'm not really sure where to go with this one.

4. I've got a dog. Maybe we could take it for a walk sometime. What do you think? I'm still having a hard time determining if this one is innocent or not. And what an interesting proposition - would you like to accompany me on an activity that may or may not involve my pet shitting right in front of you. In the first 10 minutes we've met. Oh you ask all the girls to do that with you, don't you....

3. Hey sexy. What color are your eyes? They look green. Green like my jealous heart. What's with my eyes? Are they neat or something? A lot of them involved my eyes. Anyways....what the hell do you have to be jealous of? I'm confused. And I don't get the desire to call someone sexy right off the bat. What happens if I am a huge raging wench? I won't be so sexy then.

2. I saw that you like music. I play the guitar. Well I don't play it, but I have one. Maybe we could make some music together. You're interesting. Well I didn't mean that, but I thought I should say it. I'm not sure that I feel like I wanna 'make music' with you dude. Especially when all of the pictures you have on your profile include your ex-girlfriend.


1. Hey there, gorgeous. I am attached but looking for discreet fun. I have pics if you're interested. This is the cleanest one of these 'offers' that I got. I can see that you took absolutely no time to read my profile, or have any interest whatsoever in what I am looking for. And pics? Pics of what exactly? A penguin? The McDonald's on Grand? Your little pinky toe? THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

Sigh. Look, I am all for a wide variety of people in my life. I love getting to know new people, especially these days (and that goes for everyone, not just men). But really? REALLY? This is what the online dating world has to offer? Again, I will remind you, I kept the nasty 'do you wanna see my manhood' ones off of here, which I have to admit was a good chunk of them. Keep your 'manhood' to yourself there buddy.

And I, for one, will be turning off my online slime-o-tractor.

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