Jun 25, 2011

Head Pain

I think they started when I was 13 or so. That means I have been having these headaches for...what like 17 years now.

I have had a lot of migraines in my life. Different kinds, with different symptoms. Tension, traditional headaches, cluster. And I've seen every specialist in the book. Tried all the medications, the maintenance ones, the ones that you take when you feel one coming on, the ones you have when you've had one. I go to sleep with them, I wake up with them, I have them all day, I wake up at night with them. Sometimes, headaches last for days. I think the longest one was 6 days long. I tense my jaw and my shoulders constantly. I can't tell which comes first, clenching from pain, or the clenching caused the pain.

I've had great luck with chiropractic, and have an amazing one right now. Tammy has done wonderful things for me, and for my TMJD, and I owe her a great deal. Even with chiropractic work, I still have migraines. They're sort of never-ending. The only time in my life when I didn't have migraines is when I was pregnant. I didn't have any during that time at all. It was probably the most blissful time of my life.

It's always interesting to me when people I know have experienced migraines. We'll have these discussions about how when they get them they are out, the can't function, they have to be in a dark room with no noise, and can't imagine doing anything but that. Well, the answer is simple. If you have 3-5 headaches a week, sometimes lasting for days at a time, you can't live your life in a dark room. You learn how to manage and function and get through a day. I can go to class, go out to dinner with friends, have my daughter and play and laugh with her, and generally function mostly fine. I have had migraines during a good chunk of the birth's I have been at as a doula. It's just sorta always there, always......well in the back of my mind, so to speak, LOL!

It's an odd thing - chronic pain. I have been extremely lucky to have understanding friends and family. Sometimes I have to cancel plans if I can't get my feet underneath a hard migraine. I have been to the ER many times, and had to call out to work. I have complained to friends, whined at family members, and begged for neck massages from my ex-husband (not that I got many of those, lol!). I swear....the next Mr. Jackson will be a massage therapist.....

Oddly, while I think this sucks, and while I wish I didn't have migraines, it's really hard to feel like I can upset about it. There is something useful in having chronic pain. While it certainly isn't fun, it requires a certain amount of stamina to endure having a migraine for days at a time. And honestly, there are obviously people a lot worse off than I am. While migraines are no picnic, I am not going to die from them. They force me to take down time and just deal with them, which sometimes is exactly the mental break I need. Sometimes it's hard to find the positives, but honestly there truly are some.

The migraine I have this morning is purely a tension migraine. Jaws locked up, shoulders are scrunched up, temples pulsing, neck stiff as a board. Stress is a huge issue with tension headaches. I need to do more yoga or something ;)

Chronic pain is shitty. Migraines are shitty. They can make life shitty. Now excuse me while I go place a bag of peas on top of my head, shoulder, jaw and neck ;)

Jun 21, 2011

No longer waiting to exhale

And.....I'm spent.

Thankfully, the divorce is over. It's done. Finished. Ceased to be. And I cannot even begin to celebrate in the streets loudly enough. Outside of a few minor bumps in the road since then, things have been going extremely well. Redheaded Rosie is doing great. I'm doing great.

There has been, however, one thing that I am having a hard time dealing with. Apparently, Redheaded Rosie was introduced to a female companion during her last visit. And I'm not referring to a new female companion, I am referring to the female companion that he was with when we seperated. From what I understand, she has been around for quite a bit of time before our separation. I know at least 6 months, but believe I was told closer to a year. Regardless, the woman that played an integral part in separating me from my EX is becoming a part of my little Rosie's life.

I have some pretty mixed feelings about this. My biggest one, however, is that I didn't find out from the EX, I found out from the preschooler. Hmmm. There seems to be a breakdown in communication here, but if I were on the other side of this equation I would a)NOT introduce anyone into her life right now, even if I was dating someone, and 2)would have at least WARNED the other parent. I realize that I can't ask him to not involve this woman in our lives that he is allowed to do that. It's a double edged sword. Whatever rules, expectations, what have you, that I expect and ask from him, I have to follow as well. But, hey, I suppose I put the kid first and not my.....needs. A-hem.

As for me, I feel sorta of odd that I don't care that he's with her. I feel like I should be angry, or sad. But honestly, I just feel sorry for both of them. I really do. I mean, their relationship grew out of cheating.....curious how they expect that to end well, LOL!

Originally I was a little bit worried about posting things like this on the internet, but ya know what? I would (and have) said just about all of this to him/them. So, I guess I don't care. :-)

As for other things going on, Redheaded Wonder is going to start swimming lessons soon, I am trucking along in nursing school, and I have lost another 6 lbs. WOOT! It's still a bumpy and interesting journey and I gotta tell you, aside from those more irritating potholes like the one above things are wonderful. I can't control the actions of another person, all I can do is hold myself accountable to Redheaded Rosie, and be there for her should anything negative come of these experiences. It's probably the hardest part of this whole thing. But we're managing and even thriving!

Tomorrow is another day, and I think we'll spend it at the Science Center. ;)

Jun 11, 2011

Forgiving Yourself

This whole process has lead to a myriad of different emotions, transformations, realizations, and meltdowns. When I started this, I only blamed one person, and it wasn't me. I was angry and frustrated and betrayed. The more I learned, the more I had to experience, the more pissed off I became.

Then, somewhere along the way, I started to blame myself. I never really wanted to admit that, but I did. If I had done this differently, or been more attentive to that need, or not gained weight after the baby, or didn't go back to school, or chose not to become a birthworker.....if I had done things differently, the marriage that I failed so miserably at wouldn't have failed. It's not that I wanted to be back IN the marriage, that thought has never crossed my mind even once. It's that....I felt guilty and ashamed and horrified that I had let it come down to this. I felt bad that my daughter will have to experience her childhood this way.

But what a waste of time! Forgiving myself, and forgiving any part that I had in this is vital to moving forward. I am working on this. It's a process. Falling back in love with myself is part of it. Feeling confident that I can only be who I am, and that I was myself during this marriage. Knowing that my daughter is loved, by both of her parents. Admitting that I wasn't happy, and I deserve to be happy. Most of the time, I would say about 90% of the time, I am on this page. It's that 10% that I need to work on.

But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was happy, and excited about where life is taking me.

My final big step is to fall back in love with my body. But....more on that later ;)