Mar 5, 2012

I Go Out Walkin'.....

Dear Sleep -

Sleep. You cruel temptress. I'm not sure how we ended up here, but I do know this - it's gotta stop. This isn't healthy for either of us. I mean, we used to be so close. I could just sense when you were near, and I was never shy about cuddling up with you. It was a delicious experience, curling up in bed with you, and being lulled to sleep. But there is just this disconnect. I crawl into bed, and you don't follow me there. When I can't find you, sometimes I get in the car and drive around Des Moines, just aimlessly following the roads, playing music, drinking some cheap gas station coffee, trying to find you. It's true. But I never do. A few times, I've found the only place I can fall asleep is at a rest stop about 15 miles outside of Des Moines. I'll pull in, find you there in the back corner of the lot. It's why I keep a blanket in the back seat of my car, so we can curl up there and find each other again. I don't tell a lot of people about our rendezvous - because quite honestly, it's a bit embarrassing. We can't keep sneaking around like this.

You make me worry, sleep. You keep me up at nights, wondering where you are, and why you aren't here with me. I'm tired of looking for you. I'm tired of taking pills, hoping you'll be at the bottom of that bottle. I'm tired of waking up at the same time every single morning, regardless of when I fell asleep the night before (namely around 3:30am). I just don't feel like you care about me anymore sleep. And being without you scares me half to death. Or leaves me feeling just crazy.

So, you and I, we gotta figure this out. I don't know if we need counseling, or a weekend retreat. Maybe we need to try a medication. Heck, maybe we need to invite someone else into our relationship. Maybe we just need to survive until school is over and then re-approach our problems then. I don't know. But I do know - only seeing you for 2-4 hours a night just isn't enough for me. I can't keep living our lives together like this. I need you around more than that. So please, come and find me in the dark at night. I'm tired of walkin' around like a zombie searching for the next time when we can be together. Mama needs a sleep cuddle. And I need it now.

Love and sleepy kisses,

Funky Mama   

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