Rough Week

This week.....has been rough. For a lot of different reasons. I'm battling some demons, running out of steam, missing my kidlet, running from pillar to post with appointments and things to do, people to see......but it's been good. I mean, what a blessing, truly. I have some of the most amazing, selfless friends that a girl could ask for.

This week I:

• Went to several movies
• Held a 5 week old
• Drove to Iowa City to confirm that I don't need surgery (WOOT!)
• Did some studying
• Did some cleaning
• Did a whole ton of exercise
• Did some knitting
• Slept. Finally. For more than a few hours.
• Cooked several new meals
• Spent not one, but TWO nights eating dinner with some new friends and their adorable (LIKE SERIOUSLY FREAKING PRECIOUS) boys
• Made a few major life decisions that I am still mulling over
• Started meditating again
• Shared a bottle of wine with a wonderful friend
• Re-sparked a flailing friendship
• Unloaded a whole bunch of things I can't and won't use anymore to someone that will
• Made a decision to let some things go
• Didn't study as much as I should have

I can't ask for anything more. This week has been rough, crazy, wonderful, horrible, and all the other extreme bits of emotion you can think of. And It's only Friday. The wee one isn't here for another 48 hours. And the night is young (and you're so beauuuuuuuutiful.....).

And my friends......I was blessed with some wonderful people in my life. I realize that I have absolutely zero family in this state. But my goodness sakes alive if it doesn't feel like I have the biggest extended family in the world all crammed into this one little town. Thank you everyone, you have meant so much more to me than you realize! 

Spinning into balance

Have you ever spun a top on a hardwood floor? You get a good spin on that sucker and it just keeps going, and going, and going.....sometimes it will hit a bit of grit, and it falters a bit. Usually it keeps going. Sometimes it spins out, and you have to start it again. But either way, with your own steam behind it, that little top just keeps on spinning and spinning.

I know - odd way to start a blog post. But I've had this recent....attack, I guess you could say, on my 'lifestyle'. Ya know, the one where I sometimes choose to go out and share a single drink with a group of friends at an adult location of my choosing. No concerns about the amount of drinking, but rather what I could be doing instead of it. Primarily that if I choose to have a drink with my friends, maybe that means that I am somehow taking less time with the Redheaded Rosie. The 'source' of the attack would come as no surprise to absolutely anyone that has any idea who I am, or anyone who has ever read this blog. Instead of being upset about it, I think I will use this springboard to address something we all are looking to work on everyday - balance in our lives.

To me, part of being a good parent is having that balance. I had a wonderful conversation last night that talked about finding that flame within yourself. Finding the thing that sets you on fire, that feeds your soul, and that being with a partner involves the synergistic growth of those flames. Not one shining more brightly or one taking over the other one, but two flames separately being fueled by their own combustible, and as a result creating a stronger, brighter relationship.

I think that being able to have a drink with your friends is important. I think deciding you are worth taking the time to do things like exercise is vital. I think that finding a hobby that fuels your soul is essential. I think that being YOU, and not the wife, mother, employee, student, friend, etc that you are labeled as is the only thing that makes this life a unique experience.

Look, my top is still a little wobbly. I don't have everything figured out. And I won't pretend to. But I kinda had the damn thing stopped in it's tracks a year ago. I had to restart that puppy back up. And it wasn't easy, and there have certainly been a few wobbly moments. But I refuse to sit here and apologize for that, so don't you dare ask me to. Don't fill my inbox with crap that attempts to 'hold me accountable'. Generalizations notwithstanding, I find it fascinating that those with the worst track records are the quickest to pass judgement on someone else' life.

So please - be kind. To yourself, to your friends, to your family members, acquaintances, total strangers and yes, even your enemies. Nobody likes to hear that they are a bad person, or a bad parent because they are just trying to find themselves again. Especially when attempting to find yourself is done on legitimate time. No one should ever have to apologize for choosing to be more than a single label. And quite frankly, I can't afford to do that. I don't even know who I really am. But I'll be damned if a few nasty emails or blog posts are gonna keep me from finding that out.

Top 5 Worst Pickup Lines

After some convincing a while back, I joined an online dating site. I figured - why the heck not. I don't have a lot of time to date conventionally, and at the time, didn't really have any prospects. I wasn't looking for love, just for a few good times with some new people.

Well, my online dating experience was....odd to say the least. It started out fairly normal - I got a lot of messages, a lot of interest, a lot of very nice people contacted me. But, I also got a slew of just yuckiness in my inbox. I very quickly lost interest after that. Well, I've gotten a few new ones lately. So, it reminded me that even though I was able to chat with some nice people, it wasn't all fun and games. I have created a top 5 list of the worst pickup lines that were messaged to me. I should note - these are the ones that are appropriate to post on the internet. There several that I am NOT going to share. Too raunchy and I deleted those right away. But the rest of these gems are straight copy and pasted from my dating site inbox (an account that I am going to shut down today). Perhaps not the average representation. Just the ones that really left me scratching my head a bit.

5. how r u? u got some sexy ass eyes. we shld grab some cofee. or I could grab yo ass. message me if you into it. Wow. Really? I hate to start out with this, but I do judge people a wee bit on their ability to converse in an online environment including basic sentence structure, grammar, and spelling. Aside from the obvious suggested assault on my posterior, I'm not really sure where to go with this one.

4. I've got a dog. Maybe we could take it for a walk sometime. What do you think? I'm still having a hard time determining if this one is innocent or not. And what an interesting proposition - would you like to accompany me on an activity that may or may not involve my pet shitting right in front of you. In the first 10 minutes we've met. Oh you ask all the girls to do that with you, don't you....

3. Hey sexy. What color are your eyes? They look green. Green like my jealous heart. What's with my eyes? Are they neat or something? A lot of them involved my eyes. Anyways....what the hell do you have to be jealous of? I'm confused. And I don't get the desire to call someone sexy right off the bat. What happens if I am a huge raging wench? I won't be so sexy then.

2. I saw that you like music. I play the guitar. Well I don't play it, but I have one. Maybe we could make some music together. You're interesting. Well I didn't mean that, but I thought I should say it. I'm not sure that I feel like I wanna 'make music' with you dude. Especially when all of the pictures you have on your profile include your ex-girlfriend.

drumroll.........

1. Hey there, gorgeous. I am attached but looking for discreet fun. I have pics if you're interested. This is the cleanest one of these 'offers' that I got. I can see that you took absolutely no time to read my profile, or have any interest whatsoever in what I am looking for. And pics? Pics of what exactly? A penguin? The McDonald's on Grand? Your little pinky toe? THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

Sigh. Look, I am all for a wide variety of people in my life. I love getting to know new people, especially these days (and that goes for everyone, not just men). But really? REALLY? This is what the online dating world has to offer? Again, I will remind you, I kept the nasty 'do you wanna see my manhood' ones off of here, which I have to admit was a good chunk of them. Keep your 'manhood' to yourself there buddy.

And I, for one, will be turning off my online slime-o-tractor.

Great Grandma's Winter

So, it was recently brought to my attention by the other household, that the Redheaded Rose was concerned and confused regarding my surgery and was under the impression that I might die. In an effort to give credit where it is due, they did a fine job of explaining things to her and advised me as such, so I have no beefs. Just to clarify. RR and I have had the conversation about the surgery and what it means MANY times. But, just as with an adult, things pop back into your head.

So, I decided to ask her about it. She said, "Mommy, are you going to die?"

I knew she had asked that question, but it was VERY hard to hear it coming from your kids lips. I got a little teary, I won't lie. I was trying to figure out a way to explain it to her in a way that she would understand, and that went along with my beliefs and understanding about death.

We discussed how everything dies, which panicked her. We talked about how it doesn't have to be sad, which she didn't believe. We talked about how having surgery didn't mean that you died, she wasn't convinced.

Finally I had a flash,"RR - what happens in the spring time? What's happening with plants in the spring time?"

She kinda looked at me funny. She said she knew that flowers started to grow. And vegetables and trees. And it got warmer and it was nice outside. All this is true. So I compared myself to an apple tree (I have no idea why, just go with it). I told her that when apple trees start out in the spring they are just a big stick in the ground. But by the end of spring they are covered in leaves. And by summer, there are apples growing on them. And by early fall, those apples are ready to pick and eat, and the seeds inside those apples could grow more trees. And then, in the fall, the trees turn pretty colors, colors they don't usually show. And then, in the winter, the trees lose all their leaves. So while the big stick in the ground isn't dead - every year it gets new leaves, a new life. (Yup, reference to reincarnation).

Then I told her that's kinda how people are. They start out every year as baby trees, grow a bit bigger each year, leaves get added, they grow apples (like having children, I said), and then when the apples are all gone from the tree, they have a wonderful season of beautiful colors, and then all the leaves fall off and they pass into winter.

"So, what season am I, Mommy?" (Again, with the tears)

"You my baby girl are in the early spring. You are just a baby tree."

"What season are you Mommy?"

"I'm probably in the early summer, when the apples are just starting to grow."

"What season is Great Grandma?"

".....Great Grandma is in late fall. Her leaves are turning pretty colors. She's starting to lose some of her leaves, and soon it will be time for Great Grandma to have her Winter."

I got worried at this point that it was too much, and maybe telling her that her very elderly Great Grandmother may at some point in the next several years die, might have been a bit much. But that kiddo of mine....

"Great Grandma was a very pretty tree, Mommy. She'll have a nice winter." (I'm not making this up. I had to like....keep myself from bawling in the car and crashing us into a freaking....well, tree.)

I have the smartest kid on the planet. I swear. I thought I would share my tree story because it worked so well for Autumn. She's very perceptive, and extremely empathic. I just love her to pieces. I'm glad she's my Apple.

In (over) my head.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is get the fuck out of your own way.

I live in my head a lot. A LOT. I run things through my head looking for meaning, I re-live and re-tell myself the same scenarios and stories over and over and over.....

I don't like it.

I  just wish I was...cool. More able to accept things as they are. But a part of me feels like I would be missing out. I mean, I may be neurotic, but I am very emotionally invested. I realize that sometimes that is a flaw, but I would argue that it's usually a good thing to be emotionally involved in the things that are important enough for you to worry about that much in the first place. I suppose I like to know where I stand, and it bothers me when I am in the dark.

I have some really wonderful instructors at school - I may not love the program, but I have some great instructors. A few in particular have been exceptionally helpful. The last few weeks have been a particular challenge for me. A lot of different issues and problems have come up. My advisor is worried for me. Which I find both endearing and equally concerning. She isn't the type that seems to worry.

I might need to add a job to this crazy mix - and that sort of has me in a panic. I'm not sure when/how I will make that happen. But it's either that.....well no. There isn't an option, actually.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I'll be a little less in my head tomorrow. Always tomorrow. 

I Go Out Walkin'.....

Dear Sleep -

Sleep. You cruel temptress. I'm not sure how we ended up here, but I do know this - it's gotta stop. This isn't healthy for either of us. I mean, we used to be so close. I could just sense when you were near, and I was never shy about cuddling up with you. It was a delicious experience, curling up in bed with you, and being lulled to sleep. But now....now there is just this disconnect. I crawl into bed, and you don't follow me there. When I can't find you, sometimes I get in the car and drive around Des Moines, just aimlessly following the roads, playing music, drinking some cheap gas station coffee, trying to find you. It's true. But I never do. A few times, I've found the only place I can fall asleep is at a rest stop about 15 miles outside of Des Moines. I'll pull in, find you there in the back corner of the lot. It's why I keep a blanket in the back seat of my car, so we can curl up there and find each other again. I don't tell a lot of people about our rendezvous - because quite honestly, it's a bit embarrassing. We can't keep sneaking around like this.

You make me worry, sleep. You keep me up at nights, wondering where you are, and why you aren't here with me. I'm tired of looking for you. I'm tired of taking pills, hoping you'll be at the bottom of that bottle. I'm tired of waking up at the same time every single morning, regardless of when I fell asleep the night before (namely around 3:30am). I just don't feel like you care about me anymore sleep. And being without you scares me half to death. Or leaves me feeling just crazy.

So, you and I, we gotta figure this out. I don't know if we need counseling, or a weekend retreat. Maybe we need to try a medication. Heck, maybe we need to invite someone else into our relationship. Maybe we just need to survive until school is over and then re-approach our problems then. I don't know. But I do know - only seeing you for 2-4 hours a night just isn't enough for me. I can't keep living our lives together like this. I need you around more than that. So please, come and find me in the dark at night. I'm tired of walkin' around like a zombie searching for the next time when we can be together. Mama needs a sleep cuddle. And I need it now.

Love and sleepy kisses,

Funky Mama