I'm a little lost. Not entirely. Things look kind of familiar. That spot over there. Those people, there's something familiar about them. I swear I have seen his face before.
But not really. I think, and I don't want to admit this, this whole anniversary might be having a bit of a delayed effect. Not in the sense that I am sorry for the way things are exactly. Just in the sense that I haven't quite accepted the boat I am in. I don't leave my house a lot, except when I have to. I don't.....know where to go. Or what to do. I feel a bit lost, and I was hoping that by now I would know what being me was supposed to look like.
You spend such a large chunk of your life perfecting and molding the role that you are supposed to play. You orchestrate your environment to optimize what will best support the illusion of the life you are currently attempting to live. When that's flipped over and throw into the mud, the best you can hope for is that somebody will laugh with you and try and help you stand up.
But, what happens if everyone you know helps define the old life? Not in a negative way, mind you. Not at all. But, when like 95% of your friends are married, for example....before that was fine. Perfect. Now sometimes, and it's not anyone's fault whatsoever, you realize that what you are expected to do now is in stark contrast with those around you. It's like....you won't be 100% if you aren't in their same shoes.
So, maybe you start befriending your single friends a little bit more. But they have their lives. They don't need more friends. They don't need some chick coming in and messing up their flow. I TOTALLY get that. I have one foot in each camp, and it's just kind of exhausting to live up to the expectations of both sometimes.
I also know that this is 100% in my head. And I have GOT to get out of my own head. My friends love me. It doesn't matter that I am single, or that I am 30 instead of 25, or that I have a child, or that I am not the vocalist I have always wanted to grow up to be. And for that, I will always be grateful. I don't HAVE to be anything, except for who I am. But it's a little bit frustrating when you don't know who that person is. It's pretty easy to pretend like you know the chick across the room. That is, until you are put face to face with her. Nobody's gonna hold my hand through that one.
It'll be fine. It WILL be. It's just another hurdle. Time to hike my shorts up and try not to fall on my ass.