Why are we all so afraid to get what we want? Why do we all over analyze a situation, try to play it out in our heads and guess what the outcome is? Why, for the love of everything sacred, do we not just take a risk, make a decision and actually have the stones to walk the walk when we have just been talkin' the talk?
Living a life of maybe this will happen, or being scared of that happening is EXACTLY what landed me in the position I now find myself in. It just makes me so tired. Risks are wonderful things. Bearing your soul is a noble action. Deciding that what you want is more important than how it might play out, or not caring what other people might think of you, is a goal we should all strive for. And instead, why does it feel like everyone I know, myself included, is incapable of reaching down and finding the self respect within themselves to let their gut, or their heart, or their feelings be just as involved in the decision making process as their head? It's really hard, that's why.
A false sense of logic plays into so many decisions we are faced with. It's not really logic then. It's more like......social preservation. It's a big shield we can easily hide ourselves behind when we are too scared, or too unsure, or just don't love ourselves enough to be selfish every once in a while. Ya know what? You ARE worth deciding that you deserve something other people don't think you should have because it 'isn't something people should do'.
But worse yet? Worse yet, for me, are the times when we say we want something, proclaim from whatever rooftop we can find ourselves on that we REALLY want something....when we really don't. I just wish there was more honesty in this world. Human interaction is hard enough without adding all those subtle curtains, and shades, and screens to what we say and how we say it.
Be forthcoming. Be honest. Be true to your word. Own your truths, and don't deny your desires (within reason of course). These are the signs of a truly great person. The ones that know what they want, and get it, gracefully dealing with the situations as they unfold. That right there is sexy. And that's the type of person I want to be.
I know that I have a long road to walk on becoming that person. But, I had a really great wonderful friend, lost to this world but always in my heart, give me some really wonderful advice. An email, exchanged a very long time ago, that I have forwarded to all of my different email address over the years, just to preserve it's original form. It actually has nothing to do with my experiences in this last year, but it speaks so fucking loud to me lately that I have opened and read it many times. They said:
I know you're scared Sabbath. I know it's hard to become that person that you want to be. I know it's painful. But right now, in your fragility, decide what you want to be like when this is all over with, for that will be your purest form. Decide the person that you want this experience to mold you into. And maybe you aren't ready to become that person. But you can hold others to that standard. You can decide that you don't want to put up with anything but honesty and speaking your truth. You can decide to be brave, and walk the walk. Because by doing what I know you are about to do tomorrow, that's exactly what you are going to do. Don't accept less than that from those in your life. If you do, you have just allowed them to win, for them to walk all over you, while you become trampled and stomped by their inability to show you the same respect that you are showing them. Hold the people in your life to a standard and the ones that don't make the cut? Well, they can go to hell. But, by holding those people to a standard of how you want to be treated, it will allow you to actually believe and realize at some point - that you truly are worth that standard. You deserve to be treated with respect, and honesty, and to not simply be talked to, but walked with. No matter how scary it all might be for both of you sometimes.He is right. By deciding what you are willing to surround yourself with, you are creating an environment that will mold you into that person. If you allow people to mistreat you, mislead you, walk all over you with their own agendas, you are allowing THAT to be your reality. And I'm just not willing to allow someone's size 10 boots to kick me in the face anymore. I deserve so much more than that. And so do you.
You don't like something? Change it. You want someone to treat you better? Do something about it. Being treated unfairly? Have the self respect to speak up about it. Are you to scared to go after something you might want because of what others might think of you? Stop living your life to please other people. Living each day simply to get closer to the next one is a waste of your precious time on this earth. Worrying about social norms, others expectations of you, or a standard that was set by some small group of popular people that are part of a much larger collective that may not want the same things in life, allows for your life to become someone else's life. You don't have to answer to them. Because the people in this world who cut the new path, aren't usually the popular ones, are they? The popular people are the ones that keep the standards, that demand the cookie cutter mentality that we force ourselves into. It's the dreamers and doers that are the real heroes of this world. It's the walkers, not the talkers. I refuse to be dictated by the talkers anymore.
Surround yourself with walkers, and not talkers, and you might just become one of them. Maybe, one day, you can claim to be one yourself. It starts with that single moment of realizing that you are worth something better than what has been prescribed for you by a nameless collective. Fuck them.
I don't care what they might think, or say, or if going out for the things I want in this world doesn't end well or work out quite like I planned. Truly honest people that are worth your time and energy will move through those defeats with you. The ones lost along the way just aren't strong enough. At the end of this long and winding journey of life, you don't answer to any of those people. You answer to yourself. Don't live a life you are ashamed to answer for. And you, my friend, will become one of the few walkers. Maybe one day, I can look back and have no regrets, and I can truly identify with being a walker. I sure as hell hope so. Because if that day was tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I would still be a talker.