Feb 12, 2012

Let go....or accept?

I've been working through a lot of odd thoughts lately. I recently made the decision that I wanted to start considering the idea of dating again. It's kind of a big step, one that I didn't think initially that I had leaped blindly into. And also, a decision that I thought I would get to make by myself.

My friends and family love me. I know this. They have helped me so much this last year. I take their advice, their love, and their ideas about what I should be doing very seriously. It's difficult, then, when what many of them think is a horrible idea.....is something that you really want and feel like you need in your life. But apparently, there is an order to these things, a checklist you are supposed to run through. Well, I'm a big fan of lists, but I don't usually end up using them. I like to plan the things I never do, and spontaneously decide to do the things I should have planned. It's a disease I tell ya.

So that's why, when it comes to deciding to start a relationship or consider dating again (a decision I will choose to take more seriously than my previous partner) I feel like I need to stop plotting and just do it. But, that ideas doesn't seem to work well with my loved ones.

The arguments are pretty standard - you are in school, you have a career starting, you have a daughter to parent, you have a horrifying ex that you deal with on a very regular basis, you aren't in a financially strong place.....I hear all of that. But, if I had to sit here and wait for those things to get better, I wouldn't ever get anywhere. If I had to wait until I loved myself enough again, honestly, I better start collecting cats.

I think the real truth of the matter here, is that it's going to take quite a bit of want and desire for someone to be willing to involve themselves into my crazy life. I DO have a lot going on. I DO have a lot of things to work on still. But, I'm not going to close myself off to the possibilities that I could have some little glimmer of happiness, and something that is just for me, amongst all of this shit. Maybe that's selfish, I'm not sure. And those things that are part of my life now aren't going to go away. I will always have a job, and maybe school, and a daughter, and a difficult ex-husband. But it's time to consider that the priority of a few of those things need to start taking a backseat to my happiness. Or else, what the hell am I doing it for anyways?

I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job, all things considering. I think I'm holding my own, even if it is with some complaining. And I also think, that means that ultimately I get to make the decision on whether or not I am ready. And my friends and family know and respect that, I know they do. I'm just tired of fighting. And defending myself. So I won't.

My spirits are low, but my resolve is high. It's time to climb up out of this slump, stop allowing people to tell me what they would do, and start deciding what I want to do. It's funny, I recently had a healer tell me that I allowed people to have my personal power, that I gave it out like candy. She also told me that I allow other people's emotions to take safe harbor in my own heart, and push my own wants, needs and emotions away. I think she's right. And that's gotta stop.

Because, I am awesome. And I'm tired of having to defend that fact. To myself, and to others. I can either accept my circumstances as they are, or I can choose to let go. I'm ready to free fall, whether someone catches me or not.

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