You know that phrase "Don't know what you got until it's gone"?
I am not missing anything pertinent from my relationship. For the most part, we were both two very self-involved people living under the same roof. I had the job of mothering, and schoolwork, and clients, and being a friend, keeping a house clean, laundry....the list goes on and on. But, at the very least, I had someone that I could talk to. I kinda miss that. My friends all have lives, and lists that are just as long as mine was. They can't be that person that wakes up in the middle of the night with you just to talk about nothing. Which granted, we didn't do at all in the last half of our marriage, but we still had moments of goodness where we connected. I miss feeling connected and rooted to something. Right now, I am just flailing around in the shallow end of the pool, relying on a lot of very surface level friendships and a few very close and deep liferafters to get me by when I feel the need to wade into the deep end.
I have never been the type of person who needs alone time. Ever. I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true, or that you can be a truly happy person unless you can appreciate your alone time. It's not that I don't appreciate alone time, it's that I am happier when I can control that. I don't need alone time. I need interaction, and socialization, and love. I kinda feel like I am drowning without it.
There is always the horrifying feeling of being the 3rd wheel. I love my friends, I really do. And I love spending time with them. But, almost all of them are married. And of course I take no issue with that, but I can't related to it right now. Marital problems, adorable interactions, conversations about what 'we' are going to do....only serve as a gentle reminder to me that I only have myself to steer the course of my life. And while I don't miss the last guy who held the job, I do miss having a co-pilot in general.
All that being said, the idea of dating and going through those motions both petrifies and nauseates me. Rejection, falling to hard, crashing and burning, breaking up, getting together, getting courage to tell someone you want to go to coffee, that you like them, that you love them, that...never mind we aren't working out and then going through it all again and again.....makes me tired. Not only will it be hard on me, but I of course can't involve my daughter. Which puts a whole new spin on things. I come with a lot of baggage. Narrows the 'playing field'.
So, I am caught in a predicament. I am lonely. I am scared. I am tired of spending entire days by myself with no one to talk to. I am petrified that I am doing something wrong by not being able to handle being alone, and I am petrified I am trying to force myself to deal with this situation in way that has been prescribed TO me and not BY me. I am scared of putting myself out there. I am scared that I am a fat, ugly slob that no one will ever think twice about, especially considering the baggage I have. I am scared that I will fall head over heels in love with someone who doesn't know my name. Most of all, I am scared that in feeling this, obsessing over not being alone, and being a big gigantic neurotic mess, that I will drive away those few life rafts that I have. No one wants a downer. Especially after almost 6 months.
So what do I do? Tell me universe, what wonderful message or experience can I pull from this situation, because right now I am going blank. I wish I could say that my identity was my own, and that I didn't need anyone but me to define myself, but everything about me says otherwise. I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a nursing student, soon to be a nurse. I am a friend. Everything about me is defined by my interactions with others. And ya know what? I like that about myself. I like knowing that I have been molded by my experiences with other people. It makes me feel connected and alive. And right now.....I feel offline, and out of touch. And it kinda stinks. So, I am sure this is normal. I am sure this is part of the course in front of me, and I am sure that I will get through this. I just hope I don't destroy friendships, opportunities, and myself in the process.
so cool that you recognize your need for connections in order to feel whole! i spent most of my life being told not to need, or want, anyone ... i thought i was a loner, so i acted like a loner, and now i realize i actually like people! but i do need much more alone time than many of my more social friends, and i'm not as spontaneous as many of them (like sometimes they just drop by!) - but i realize that in order to be a friend to them, i have to be a little flexible ;-) you're learning flexibility with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI just read this, and wanted to say I knew well of many of those feelings. Hope things are going well for you now. I miss the good ole days staying up til 3 in the morning chatting with you. :)
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