Apr 16, 2011

Fat Mama

In an effort to be honest, I have been struggling lately with one thing - the fact that I am fat.

Now, before anyone tries to placate me, or tell me that it isn't so, I am not looking for a round of sympathy or pity. I am saying it because it's true. But I had a profound thought about this and I wanted to share it.

At the beginning of my marriage, I was at a wonderful weight for me. I felt good about myself, I liked myself naked, I was doing just fine. Then, our relationship got serious. Then we moved halfway across the country. THEN we got married. And then....some of the first big marital issues started to happen. Point is, things started out good, but stressful. Then, my marriage started to have more holes in it than swiss cheese, and that was just during the first two years. Lying, cheating, getting fired from a job for flirting with customers. You get the idea.

Leaving out a lot of details, good times and bad, we eventually after years of trying, got pregnant. I had a baby. I lost all of the baby weight and more almost immediately. Then, I gained it back. Very slowly at first. And then I gained more than the baby weight back. And then I gained a little bit more.

I had this thought about all of it. My weight, has always been in direct correlation with any bigger issues going on in my life. It's like a visible outward symptom of a bigger, deeper hurt. And as benign as this realization could be, it made me feel so extremely lost that I didn't quite know what to make of it. I mean, at what point did I not only lose control of my marriage, but of myself too? Why did I let this happen?

The good news, is that I am actually working on my weight right now, and it really doesn't feel like a chore most of the time. I have lost around 25lbs. And I am going to keep going until I am at a healthy weight range. I could say that it's so that I can find a new partner, or any number of other possible reasons. But really, it's just one more way that I can regain control of myself, and of my life.

And it feels really good.

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