Lonely. I think.

You know that phrase "Don't know what you got until it's gone"?

I am not missing anything pertinent from my relationship. For the most part, we were both two very self-involved people living under the same roof. I had the job of mothering, and schoolwork, and clients, and being a friend, keeping a house clean, laundry....the list goes on and on. But, at the very least, I had someone that I could talk to. I kinda miss that. My friends all have lives, and lists that are just as long as mine was. They can't be that person that wakes up in the middle of the night with you just to talk about nothing. Which granted, we didn't do at all in the last half of our marriage, but we still had moments of goodness where we connected. I miss feeling connected and rooted to something. Right now, I am just flailing around in the shallow end of the pool, relying on a lot of very surface level friendships and a few very close and deep liferafters to get me by when I feel the need to wade into the deep end.

I have never been the type of person who needs alone time. Ever. I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true, or that you can be a truly happy person unless you can appreciate your alone time. It's not that I don't appreciate alone time, it's that I am happier when I can control that. I don't need alone time. I need interaction, and socialization, and love. I kinda feel like I am drowning without it.

There is always the horrifying feeling of being the 3rd wheel. I love my friends, I really do. And I love spending time with them. But, almost all of them are married. And of course I take no issue with that, but I can't related to it right now. Marital problems, adorable interactions, conversations about what 'we' are going to do....only serve as a gentle reminder to me that I only have myself to steer the course of my life. And while I don't miss the last guy who held the job, I do miss having a co-pilot in general.

All that being said, the idea of dating and going through those motions both petrifies and nauseates me. Rejection, falling to hard, crashing and burning, breaking up, getting together, getting courage to tell someone you want to go to coffee, that you like them, that you love them, that...never mind we aren't working out and then going through it all again and again.....makes me tired. Not only will it be hard on me, but I of course can't involve my daughter. Which puts a whole new spin on things. I come with a lot of baggage. Narrows the 'playing field'.

So, I am caught in a predicament. I am lonely. I am scared. I am tired of spending entire days by myself with no one to talk to. I am petrified that I am doing something wrong by not being able to handle being alone, and I am petrified I am trying to force myself to deal with this situation in way that has been prescribed TO me and not BY me. I am scared of putting myself out there. I am scared that I am a fat, ugly slob that no one will ever think twice about, especially considering the baggage I have. I am scared that I will fall head over heels in love with someone who doesn't know my name. Most of all, I am scared that in feeling this, obsessing over not being alone, and being a big gigantic neurotic mess, that I will drive away those few life rafts that I have. No one wants a downer. Especially after almost 6 months.

So what do I do? Tell me universe, what wonderful message or experience can I pull from this situation, because right now I am going blank. I wish I could say that my identity was my own, and that I didn't need anyone but me to define myself, but everything about me says otherwise. I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a nursing student, soon to be a nurse. I am a friend. Everything about me is defined by my interactions with others. And ya know what? I like that about myself. I like knowing that I have been molded by my experiences with other people. It makes me feel connected and alive. And right now.....I feel offline, and out of touch. And it kinda stinks. So, I am sure this is normal. I am sure this is part of the course in front of me, and I am sure that I will get through this. I just hope I don't destroy friendships, opportunities, and myself in the  process.

Fat Mama

In an effort to be honest, I have been struggling lately with one thing - the fact that I am fat.

Now, before anyone tries to placate me, or tell me that it isn't so, I am not looking for a round of sympathy or pity. I am saying it because it's true. But I had a profound thought about this and I wanted to share it.

At the beginning of my marriage, I was at a wonderful weight for me. I felt good about myself, I liked myself naked, I was doing just fine. Then, our relationship got serious. Then we moved halfway across the country. THEN we got married. And then....some of the first big marital issues started to happen. Point is, things started out good, but stressful. Then, my marriage started to have more holes in it than swiss cheese, and that was just during the first two years. Lying, cheating, getting fired from a job for flirting with customers. You get the idea.

Leaving out a lot of details, good times and bad, we eventually after years of trying, got pregnant. I had a baby. I lost all of the baby weight and more almost immediately. Then, I gained it back. Very slowly at first. And then I gained more than the baby weight back. And then I gained a little bit more.

I had this thought about all of it. My weight, has always been in direct correlation with any bigger issues going on in my life. It's like a visible outward symptom of a bigger, deeper hurt. And as benign as this realization could be, it made me feel so extremely lost that I didn't quite know what to make of it. I mean, at what point did I not only lose control of my marriage, but of myself too? Why did I let this happen?

The good news, is that I am actually working on my weight right now, and it really doesn't feel like a chore most of the time. I have lost around 25lbs. And I am going to keep going until I am at a healthy weight range. I could say that it's so that I can find a new partner, or any number of other possible reasons. But really, it's just one more way that I can regain control of myself, and of my life.

And it feels really good.

Turn on the MIC!

I was having this realization just now - I had lost my voice in my marriage. Literally.

When you are so unhappy, and your marriage is such a mess, you start to lose sight of all the things you love. And for me, in this world, I am nearly euphoric when I am singing. During the last several years of our marriage, I never sang. Not in the car very often, not walking around the house, definitely not in the shower. But now, you can't get me to shut up (my poor friends!).

I think, for me, this is a good sign of moving forward, moving on, and becoming the person I want and need to be. It's not going to be easy, but honestly, surviving my divorce has been easier than overcoming my fears about truly singing in front of other people. I don't know if that's a good thing, if I am deflecting, or if it's just bad in general, but right now it feels right.

I hope I keep moving forward. Because honestly, at this point, there is no turning back.

A little background.

So, this whole Single Mom gig is very new. My husband and I separated in January. Over the last couple of months I have discovered some truly horrific things about the life I was supposedly living, and the only reason I am sharing them now is because there will likely be discussions about my divorce. And hey, background information always helps to round out the bigger picture.

Since I am a big fan of lists - here we go.

1) My husband asked me for the divorce....because he was dating someone else. He apparently did that quite a lot. Over the course of our 9 year marriage, he cheated with approximately 10 different women.

2) After informing me of said desire to part ways, he told me that my daughter and I were not allowed to live at the house, because he wanted it. I asked if we could stay through the weekend so that I could find somewhere for us to go and he said no. Now I did ask if during that weekend that he not be there, I figured he could go stay with his girlfriend, or his Mother, or any number of other family members that he has (and I don't - I have no family here). He wouldn't have that, so we had to leave town to go to my Mother's house with whatever I could squeeze into the minivan she came and saved me in.

3) We had some major custody battles, and finally have a schedule sorted out. It isn't without problems, and I am still battling the fact that he moved his girlfriend into our home almost immediately. He denies this, but it's sorta hard to say that she isn't when she is always there, sleeps there all the time, and leaves her stuff all over the place.

4) The rest is sorta private. At least for the purposes of this blog. But, let's just say, that this is the tip of iceberg.

So, what's a girl to do? Continue on with nursing school, graduate, and move on. Simple as that? Well of course not! The trials and tribulations of maneuvering a divorce are much more complicated than that. Not only that, but what ABOUT being a Single Mom? There are so many nuances to this new role that I never considered. And then there are the obvious ones - like Mama's got needs, or how do I pay the bills?

It's an interesting journey, but not one I would wish on my worst enemy. It's hard, and horrible, and yet it has been such a wonderfully liberating experience too. Truth be told, I wasn't happy. But I was loyal, loving and devoted. Having the wool pulled over your eyes for 10 years makes you re-evaluate yourself, and everything you have spent a decade committing yourself to. The one thing that I can be sure of is this - it might take two to be in a relationship, and two to mess it up, but that doesn't mean the ratio on that equation is 50:50. I have had to take a long hard look at my life, my marriage, my separation, and my role in all of that, and I am 100% comfortable saying that I was merely a spectator in the dissolution of my marriage. My husband led a double life and apparently for a few years a triple life (3 of us at the same time! Awesome!). And it hurts. A lot. But those are emotions best saved for a different post, on another day. 

So for today, I think that's enough baring of the ol' soul. I'm feeling a bit naked. It's hawt, I know. ;)

Let's do this.

So, I have this friend. We'll call her....Tattooed Mama. She and I are BFF's. With my separation and impending divorce, my friends have become my new family. She most assuredly has been a rock for me. So of course, when she recommended that I do a blog....well I had to oblige. My biggest worry is keeping up with it, and finding things to say that anyone will care about. I realize this is a weak little intro post, but that's fine with me. Hopefully, I will have something interesting to add after this afternoon.