This whole process has lead to a myriad of different emotions, transformations, realizations, and meltdowns. When I started this, I only blamed one person, and it wasn't me. I was angry and frustrated and betrayed. The more I learned, the more I had to experience, the more pissed off I became.
Then, somewhere along the way, I started to blame myself. I never really wanted to admit that, but I did. If I had done this differently, or been more attentive to that need, or not gained weight after the baby, or didn't go back to school, or chose not to become a birthworker.....if I had done things differently, the marriage that I failed so miserably at wouldn't have failed. It's not that I wanted to be back IN the marriage, that thought has never crossed my mind even once. It's that....I felt guilty and ashamed and horrified that I had let it come down to this. I felt bad that my daughter will have to experience her childhood this way.
But what a waste of time! Forgiving myself, and forgiving any part that I had in this is vital to moving forward. I am working on this. It's a process. Falling back in love with myself is part of it. Feeling confident that I can only be who I am, and that I was myself during this marriage. Knowing that my daughter is loved, by both of her parents. Admitting that I wasn't happy, and I deserve to be happy. Most of the time, I would say about 90% of the time, I am on this page. It's that 10% that I need to work on.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was happy, and excited about where life is taking me.
My final big step is to fall back in love with my body. But....more on that later ;)