I think they started when I was 13 or so. That means I have been having these headaches for...what like 17 years now.
I have had a lot of migraines in my life. Different kinds, with different symptoms. Tension, traditional headaches, cluster. And I've seen every specialist in the book. Tried all the medications, the maintenance ones, the ones that you take when you feel one coming on, the ones you have when you've had one. I go to sleep with them, I wake up with them, I have them all day, I wake up at night with them. Sometimes, headaches last for days. I think the longest one was 6 days long. I tense my jaw and my shoulders constantly. I can't tell which comes first, clenching from pain, or the clenching caused the pain.
I've had great luck with chiropractic, and have an amazing one right now. Tammy has done wonderful things for me, and for my TMJD, and I owe her a great deal. Even with chiropractic work, I still have migraines. They're sort of never-ending. The only time in my life when I didn't have migraines is when I was pregnant. I didn't have any during that time at all. It was probably the most blissful time of my life.
It's always interesting to me when people I know have experienced migraines. We'll have these discussions about how when they get them they are out, the can't function, they have to be in a dark room with no noise, and can't imagine doing anything but that. Well, the answer is simple. If you have 3-5 headaches a week, sometimes lasting for days at a time, you can't live your life in a dark room. You learn how to manage and function and get through a day. I can go to class, go out to dinner with friends, have my daughter and play and laugh with her, and generally function mostly fine. I have had migraines during a good chunk of the birth's I have been at as a doula. It's just sorta always there, always......well in the back of my mind, so to speak, LOL!
It's an odd thing - chronic pain. I have been extremely lucky to have understanding friends and family. Sometimes I have to cancel plans if I can't get my feet underneath a hard migraine. I have been to the ER many times, and had to call out to work. I have complained to friends, whined at family members, and begged for neck massages from my ex-husband (not that I got many of those, lol!). I swear....the next Mr. Jackson will be a massage therapist.....
Oddly, while I think this sucks, and while I wish I didn't have migraines, it's really hard to feel like I can upset about it. There is something useful in having chronic pain. While it certainly isn't fun, it requires a certain amount of stamina to endure having a migraine for days at a time. And honestly, there are obviously people a lot worse off than I am. While migraines are no picnic, I am not going to die from them. They force me to take down time and just deal with them, which sometimes is exactly the mental break I need. Sometimes it's hard to find the positives, but honestly there truly are some.
The migraine I have this morning is purely a tension migraine. Jaws locked up, shoulders are scrunched up, temples pulsing, neck stiff as a board. Stress is a huge issue with tension headaches. I need to do more yoga or something ;)
Chronic pain is shitty. Migraines are shitty. They can make life shitty. Now excuse me while I go place a bag of peas on top of my head, shoulder, jaw and neck ;)
Jun 25, 2011
Jun 21, 2011
No longer waiting to exhale
And.....I'm spent.
Thankfully, the divorce is over. It's done. Finished. Ceased to be. And I cannot even begin to celebrate in the streets loudly enough. Outside of a few minor bumps in the road since then, things have been going extremely well. Redheaded Rosie is doing great. I'm doing great.
There has been, however, one thing that I am having a hard time dealing with. Apparently, Redheaded Rosie was introduced to a female companion during her last visit. And I'm not referring to a new female companion, I am referring to the female companion that he was with when we seperated. From what I understand, she has been around for quite a bit of time before our separation. I know at least 6 months, but believe I was told closer to a year. Regardless, the woman that played an integral part in separating me from my EX is becoming a part of my little Rosie's life.
I have some pretty mixed feelings about this. My biggest one, however, is that I didn't find out from the EX, I found out from the preschooler. Hmmm. There seems to be a breakdown in communication here, but if I were on the other side of this equation I would a)NOT introduce anyone into her life right now, even if I was dating someone, and 2)would have at least WARNED the other parent. I realize that I can't ask him to not involve this woman in our lives that he is allowed to do that. It's a double edged sword. Whatever rules, expectations, what have you, that I expect and ask from him, I have to follow as well. But, hey, I suppose I put the kid first and not my.....needs. A-hem.
As for me, I feel sorta of odd that I don't care that he's with her. I feel like I should be angry, or sad. But honestly, I just feel sorry for both of them. I really do. I mean, their relationship grew out of cheating.....curious how they expect that to end well, LOL!
Originally I was a little bit worried about posting things like this on the internet, but ya know what? I would (and have) said just about all of this to him/them. So, I guess I don't care. :-)
As for other things going on, Redheaded Wonder is going to start swimming lessons soon, I am trucking along in nursing school, and I have lost another 6 lbs. WOOT! It's still a bumpy and interesting journey and I gotta tell you, aside from those more irritating potholes like the one above things are wonderful. I can't control the actions of another person, all I can do is hold myself accountable to Redheaded Rosie, and be there for her should anything negative come of these experiences. It's probably the hardest part of this whole thing. But we're managing and even thriving!
Tomorrow is another day, and I think we'll spend it at the Science Center. ;)
Thankfully, the divorce is over. It's done. Finished. Ceased to be. And I cannot even begin to celebrate in the streets loudly enough. Outside of a few minor bumps in the road since then, things have been going extremely well. Redheaded Rosie is doing great. I'm doing great.
There has been, however, one thing that I am having a hard time dealing with. Apparently, Redheaded Rosie was introduced to a female companion during her last visit. And I'm not referring to a new female companion, I am referring to the female companion that he was with when we seperated. From what I understand, she has been around for quite a bit of time before our separation. I know at least 6 months, but believe I was told closer to a year. Regardless, the woman that played an integral part in separating me from my EX is becoming a part of my little Rosie's life.
I have some pretty mixed feelings about this. My biggest one, however, is that I didn't find out from the EX, I found out from the preschooler. Hmmm. There seems to be a breakdown in communication here, but if I were on the other side of this equation I would a)NOT introduce anyone into her life right now, even if I was dating someone, and 2)would have at least WARNED the other parent. I realize that I can't ask him to not involve this woman in our lives that he is allowed to do that. It's a double edged sword. Whatever rules, expectations, what have you, that I expect and ask from him, I have to follow as well. But, hey, I suppose I put the kid first and not my.....needs. A-hem.
As for me, I feel sorta of odd that I don't care that he's with her. I feel like I should be angry, or sad. But honestly, I just feel sorry for both of them. I really do. I mean, their relationship grew out of cheating.....curious how they expect that to end well, LOL!
Originally I was a little bit worried about posting things like this on the internet, but ya know what? I would (and have) said just about all of this to him/them. So, I guess I don't care. :-)
As for other things going on, Redheaded Wonder is going to start swimming lessons soon, I am trucking along in nursing school, and I have lost another 6 lbs. WOOT! It's still a bumpy and interesting journey and I gotta tell you, aside from those more irritating potholes like the one above things are wonderful. I can't control the actions of another person, all I can do is hold myself accountable to Redheaded Rosie, and be there for her should anything negative come of these experiences. It's probably the hardest part of this whole thing. But we're managing and even thriving!
Tomorrow is another day, and I think we'll spend it at the Science Center. ;)
Jun 11, 2011
Forgiving Yourself
This whole process has lead to a myriad of different emotions, transformations, realizations, and meltdowns. When I started this, I only blamed one person, and it wasn't me. I was angry and frustrated and betrayed. The more I learned, the more I had to experience, the more pissed off I became.
Then, somewhere along the way, I started to blame myself. I never really wanted to admit that, but I did. If I had done this differently, or been more attentive to that need, or not gained weight after the baby, or didn't go back to school, or chose not to become a birthworker.....if I had done things differently, the marriage that I failed so miserably at wouldn't have failed. It's not that I wanted to be back IN the marriage, that thought has never crossed my mind even once. It's that....I felt guilty and ashamed and horrified that I had let it come down to this. I felt bad that my daughter will have to experience her childhood this way.
But what a waste of time! Forgiving myself, and forgiving any part that I had in this is vital to moving forward. I am working on this. It's a process. Falling back in love with myself is part of it. Feeling confident that I can only be who I am, and that I was myself during this marriage. Knowing that my daughter is loved, by both of her parents. Admitting that I wasn't happy, and I deserve to be happy. Most of the time, I would say about 90% of the time, I am on this page. It's that 10% that I need to work on.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was happy, and excited about where life is taking me.
My final big step is to fall back in love with my body. But....more on that later ;)
Then, somewhere along the way, I started to blame myself. I never really wanted to admit that, but I did. If I had done this differently, or been more attentive to that need, or not gained weight after the baby, or didn't go back to school, or chose not to become a birthworker.....if I had done things differently, the marriage that I failed so miserably at wouldn't have failed. It's not that I wanted to be back IN the marriage, that thought has never crossed my mind even once. It's that....I felt guilty and ashamed and horrified that I had let it come down to this. I felt bad that my daughter will have to experience her childhood this way.
But what a waste of time! Forgiving myself, and forgiving any part that I had in this is vital to moving forward. I am working on this. It's a process. Falling back in love with myself is part of it. Feeling confident that I can only be who I am, and that I was myself during this marriage. Knowing that my daughter is loved, by both of her parents. Admitting that I wasn't happy, and I deserve to be happy. Most of the time, I would say about 90% of the time, I am on this page. It's that 10% that I need to work on.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was happy, and excited about where life is taking me.
My final big step is to fall back in love with my body. But....more on that later ;)
May 20, 2011
Ya know that idea....
You know...if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all? That's where I'm at. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. I really do. I hate being Debbie Downer. I would give just about anything to not have neurotic thought after neurotic thought running through my head. I would give anything to not obsess and fixate on things until they are just thoroughly uninteresting to anyone but me. ARGH! At some point, I need to turn a corner. I just do. But sitting here at 10:30pm in a very empty apartment, it's hard to see a way up.
Feeling this way makes me feel weak. It makes me feel sad too. I HATE the weekends. At least when the little Redheaded Rose is around, I have someone to snuggle with. I miss her. I miss finding the joy in things that I used to find joy in. Everything is just so....dull and bland. And gray. So gray.
I suppose a few recent events have made things feel just a little bit worse. Rejection, or maybe it was realizations on my part. Failure, but I was up against a pretty impossible mission. I feel like my sense of reality has been warped. Things that normal people brush off, I internalize and allow it to consume who I am. I think the most marked issue for me is that if something happy happens in my life, I become happy. If something bad or sad happens, my mood shifts. Which sounds logical, right? But everything shifts. Being rejected by a guy shouldn't make your world turn upside down. It should be kinda sad, something you add to the larger mix of emotions for the day, and see where you even out at the end of the day. Who knows, maybe I have cyclothymia.
Either way, I gotta break out of this funk. It's not any fun. For me or anyone else.
Feeling this way makes me feel weak. It makes me feel sad too. I HATE the weekends. At least when the little Redheaded Rose is around, I have someone to snuggle with. I miss her. I miss finding the joy in things that I used to find joy in. Everything is just so....dull and bland. And gray. So gray.
I suppose a few recent events have made things feel just a little bit worse. Rejection, or maybe it was realizations on my part. Failure, but I was up against a pretty impossible mission. I feel like my sense of reality has been warped. Things that normal people brush off, I internalize and allow it to consume who I am. I think the most marked issue for me is that if something happy happens in my life, I become happy. If something bad or sad happens, my mood shifts. Which sounds logical, right? But everything shifts. Being rejected by a guy shouldn't make your world turn upside down. It should be kinda sad, something you add to the larger mix of emotions for the day, and see where you even out at the end of the day. Who knows, maybe I have cyclothymia.
Either way, I gotta break out of this funk. It's not any fun. For me or anyone else.
Apr 23, 2011
Lonely. I think.
You know that phrase "Don't know what you got until it's gone"?
I am not missing anything pertinent from my relationship. For the most part, we were both two very self-involved people living under the same roof. I had the job of mothering, and schoolwork, and clients, and being a friend, keeping a house clean, laundry....the list goes on and on. But, at the very least, I had someone that I could talk to. I kinda miss that. My friends all have lives, and lists that are just as long as mine was. They can't be that person that wakes up in the middle of the night with you just to talk about nothing. Which granted, we didn't do at all in the last half of our marriage, but we still had moments of goodness where we connected. I miss feeling connected and rooted to something. Right now, I am just flailing around in the shallow end of the pool, relying on a lot of very surface level friendships and a few very close and deep liferafters to get me by when I feel the need to wade into the deep end.
I have never been the type of person who needs alone time. Ever. I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true, or that you can be a truly happy person unless you can appreciate your alone time. It's not that I don't appreciate alone time, it's that I am happier when I can control that. I don't need alone time. I need interaction, and socialization, and love. I kinda feel like I am drowning without it.
There is always the horrifying feeling of being the 3rd wheel. I love my friends, I really do. And I love spending time with them. But, almost all of them are married. And of course I take no issue with that, but I can't related to it right now. Marital problems, adorable interactions, conversations about what 'we' are going to do....only serve as a gentle reminder to me that I only have myself to steer the course of my life. And while I don't miss the last guy who held the job, I do miss having a co-pilot in general.
All that being said, the idea of dating and going through those motions both petrifies and nauseates me. Rejection, falling to hard, crashing and burning, breaking up, getting together, getting courage to tell someone you want to go to coffee, that you like them, that you love them, that...never mind we aren't working out and then going through it all again and again.....makes me tired. Not only will it be hard on me, but I of course can't involve my daughter. Which puts a whole new spin on things. I come with a lot of baggage. Narrows the 'playing field'.
So, I am caught in a predicament. I am lonely. I am scared. I am tired of spending entire days by myself with no one to talk to. I am petrified that I am doing something wrong by not being able to handle being alone, and I am petrified I am trying to force myself to deal with this situation in way that has been prescribed TO me and not BY me. I am scared of putting myself out there. I am scared that I am a fat, ugly slob that no one will ever think twice about, especially considering the baggage I have. I am scared that I will fall head over heels in love with someone who doesn't know my name. Most of all, I am scared that in feeling this, obsessing over not being alone, and being a big gigantic neurotic mess, that I will drive away those few life rafts that I have. No one wants a downer. Especially after almost 6 months.
So what do I do? Tell me universe, what wonderful message or experience can I pull from this situation, because right now I am going blank. I wish I could say that my identity was my own, and that I didn't need anyone but me to define myself, but everything about me says otherwise. I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a nursing student, soon to be a nurse. I am a friend. Everything about me is defined by my interactions with others. And ya know what? I like that about myself. I like knowing that I have been molded by my experiences with other people. It makes me feel connected and alive. And right now.....I feel offline, and out of touch. And it kinda stinks. So, I am sure this is normal. I am sure this is part of the course in front of me, and I am sure that I will get through this. I just hope I don't destroy friendships, opportunities, and myself in the process.
I am not missing anything pertinent from my relationship. For the most part, we were both two very self-involved people living under the same roof. I had the job of mothering, and schoolwork, and clients, and being a friend, keeping a house clean, laundry....the list goes on and on. But, at the very least, I had someone that I could talk to. I kinda miss that. My friends all have lives, and lists that are just as long as mine was. They can't be that person that wakes up in the middle of the night with you just to talk about nothing. Which granted, we didn't do at all in the last half of our marriage, but we still had moments of goodness where we connected. I miss feeling connected and rooted to something. Right now, I am just flailing around in the shallow end of the pool, relying on a lot of very surface level friendships and a few very close and deep liferafters to get me by when I feel the need to wade into the deep end.
I have never been the type of person who needs alone time. Ever. I know that a lot of people don't believe that's true, or that you can be a truly happy person unless you can appreciate your alone time. It's not that I don't appreciate alone time, it's that I am happier when I can control that. I don't need alone time. I need interaction, and socialization, and love. I kinda feel like I am drowning without it.
There is always the horrifying feeling of being the 3rd wheel. I love my friends, I really do. And I love spending time with them. But, almost all of them are married. And of course I take no issue with that, but I can't related to it right now. Marital problems, adorable interactions, conversations about what 'we' are going to do....only serve as a gentle reminder to me that I only have myself to steer the course of my life. And while I don't miss the last guy who held the job, I do miss having a co-pilot in general.
All that being said, the idea of dating and going through those motions both petrifies and nauseates me. Rejection, falling to hard, crashing and burning, breaking up, getting together, getting courage to tell someone you want to go to coffee, that you like them, that you love them, that...never mind we aren't working out and then going through it all again and again.....makes me tired. Not only will it be hard on me, but I of course can't involve my daughter. Which puts a whole new spin on things. I come with a lot of baggage. Narrows the 'playing field'.
So, I am caught in a predicament. I am lonely. I am scared. I am tired of spending entire days by myself with no one to talk to. I am petrified that I am doing something wrong by not being able to handle being alone, and I am petrified I am trying to force myself to deal with this situation in way that has been prescribed TO me and not BY me. I am scared of putting myself out there. I am scared that I am a fat, ugly slob that no one will ever think twice about, especially considering the baggage I have. I am scared that I will fall head over heels in love with someone who doesn't know my name. Most of all, I am scared that in feeling this, obsessing over not being alone, and being a big gigantic neurotic mess, that I will drive away those few life rafts that I have. No one wants a downer. Especially after almost 6 months.
So what do I do? Tell me universe, what wonderful message or experience can I pull from this situation, because right now I am going blank. I wish I could say that my identity was my own, and that I didn't need anyone but me to define myself, but everything about me says otherwise. I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a nursing student, soon to be a nurse. I am a friend. Everything about me is defined by my interactions with others. And ya know what? I like that about myself. I like knowing that I have been molded by my experiences with other people. It makes me feel connected and alive. And right now.....I feel offline, and out of touch. And it kinda stinks. So, I am sure this is normal. I am sure this is part of the course in front of me, and I am sure that I will get through this. I just hope I don't destroy friendships, opportunities, and myself in the process.
Apr 16, 2011
Fat Mama
In an effort to be honest, I have been struggling lately with one thing - the fact that I am fat.
Now, before anyone tries to placate me, or tell me that it isn't so, I am not looking for a round of sympathy or pity. I am saying it because it's true. But I had a profound thought about this and I wanted to share it.
At the beginning of my marriage, I was at a wonderful weight for me. I felt good about myself, I liked myself naked, I was doing just fine. Then, our relationship got serious. Then we moved halfway across the country. THEN we got married. And then....some of the first big marital issues started to happen. Point is, things started out good, but stressful. Then, my marriage started to have more holes in it than swiss cheese, and that was just during the first two years. Lying, cheating, getting fired from a job for flirting with customers. You get the idea.
Leaving out a lot of details, good times and bad, we eventually after years of trying, got pregnant. I had a baby. I lost all of the baby weight and more almost immediately. Then, I gained it back. Very slowly at first. And then I gained more than the baby weight back. And then I gained a little bit more.
I had this thought about all of it. My weight, has always been in direct correlation with any bigger issues going on in my life. It's like a visible outward symptom of a bigger, deeper hurt. And as benign as this realization could be, it made me feel so extremely lost that I didn't quite know what to make of it. I mean, at what point did I not only lose control of my marriage, but of myself too? Why did I let this happen?
The good news, is that I am actually working on my weight right now, and it really doesn't feel like a chore most of the time. I have lost around 25lbs. And I am going to keep going until I am at a healthy weight range. I could say that it's so that I can find a new partner, or any number of other possible reasons. But really, it's just one more way that I can regain control of myself, and of my life.
And it feels really good.
Now, before anyone tries to placate me, or tell me that it isn't so, I am not looking for a round of sympathy or pity. I am saying it because it's true. But I had a profound thought about this and I wanted to share it.
At the beginning of my marriage, I was at a wonderful weight for me. I felt good about myself, I liked myself naked, I was doing just fine. Then, our relationship got serious. Then we moved halfway across the country. THEN we got married. And then....some of the first big marital issues started to happen. Point is, things started out good, but stressful. Then, my marriage started to have more holes in it than swiss cheese, and that was just during the first two years. Lying, cheating, getting fired from a job for flirting with customers. You get the idea.
Leaving out a lot of details, good times and bad, we eventually after years of trying, got pregnant. I had a baby. I lost all of the baby weight and more almost immediately. Then, I gained it back. Very slowly at first. And then I gained more than the baby weight back. And then I gained a little bit more.
I had this thought about all of it. My weight, has always been in direct correlation with any bigger issues going on in my life. It's like a visible outward symptom of a bigger, deeper hurt. And as benign as this realization could be, it made me feel so extremely lost that I didn't quite know what to make of it. I mean, at what point did I not only lose control of my marriage, but of myself too? Why did I let this happen?
The good news, is that I am actually working on my weight right now, and it really doesn't feel like a chore most of the time. I have lost around 25lbs. And I am going to keep going until I am at a healthy weight range. I could say that it's so that I can find a new partner, or any number of other possible reasons. But really, it's just one more way that I can regain control of myself, and of my life.
And it feels really good.
Apr 12, 2011
Turn on the MIC!
I was having this realization just now - I had lost my voice in my marriage. Literally.
When you are so unhappy, and your marriage is such a mess, you start to lose sight of all the things you love. And for me, in this world, I am nearly euphoric when I am singing. During the last several years of our marriage, I never sang. Not in the car very often, not walking around the house, definitely not in the shower. But now, you can't get me to shut up (my poor friends!).
I think, for me, this is a good sign of moving forward, moving on, and becoming the person I want and need to be. It's not going to be easy, but honestly, surviving my divorce has been easier than overcoming my fears about truly singing in front of other people. I don't know if that's a good thing, if I am deflecting, or if it's just bad in general, but right now it feels right.
I hope I keep moving forward. Because honestly, at this point, there is no turning back.
When you are so unhappy, and your marriage is such a mess, you start to lose sight of all the things you love. And for me, in this world, I am nearly euphoric when I am singing. During the last several years of our marriage, I never sang. Not in the car very often, not walking around the house, definitely not in the shower. But now, you can't get me to shut up (my poor friends!).
I think, for me, this is a good sign of moving forward, moving on, and becoming the person I want and need to be. It's not going to be easy, but honestly, surviving my divorce has been easier than overcoming my fears about truly singing in front of other people. I don't know if that's a good thing, if I am deflecting, or if it's just bad in general, but right now it feels right.
I hope I keep moving forward. Because honestly, at this point, there is no turning back.
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